Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
