Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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