"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just had sex on a roof
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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