so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
