I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
