We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
