I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
