Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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