your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
