Moan for me like Helen Keller
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
