Betty ford says i'm here all night
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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