ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
