I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
