Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
