i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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