Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
