i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
