It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's shark week go big or go home
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
