It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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