Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
your room smells of hookers.
And success
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
