The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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