I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Someone shit on the floor
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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