i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
