I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
