I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
