Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
