Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
