You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
