Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
