his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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