woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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