She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
