i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
