I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
