We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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