My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
