does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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