the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The Olympian is in my bed
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
