apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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