i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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