Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
