I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
