oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
