More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
