Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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