the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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