So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
