after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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