FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
