K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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