im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
