It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
