Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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