I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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