You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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