When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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