I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
