Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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