I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
