The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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